Daddy's Girl to Daddy-less

When I was a child, my preference was clearly for my father.  When I visited him on the weekends and during the summer, it seemed like all we did was have fun together.  We had interesting conversations, played video games and baseball, watched Star Trek, read books, took walks...  Sure, there were moments when I probably felt like running away, but I was still his girl.

One year things suddenly began to change, and the years after that only brought more pain and guilt and shame and confusion.  Everything climaxed when I decided around the age of 12 -- or rather, the decision was made for me by my dad and his wife -- to continue my life without him in it.

It's hard to get used to things like that, but I've seemed to manage alright.  I've done my best to cope with my father passing me in a store, acting like I was a stranger, only to show up at my high school graduation uninvited to tell me he was very proud of me.

With the advances and popularity of online communities, though, I couldn't ignore it for long.  Eventually I found him on Flickr through a comment he made on a picture of me taken by a friend.  For months I obsessed over watching for his new photographs, and even asked to use a couple of them in my college reports.  We added each other on Facebook.  I have to admit, I had high hopes.

Hopes that ended up being too high.  When I sent him messages about the photographs, there was no enthusiasm in them, only bland words.  When he commented on my statuses, he acted as though we were old high school buddies, not biologically entwined.  Finally it was too much, and I sent him a final long message telling him I had done my best, after which I blocked him.

I had all intentions of truly erasing him from my life, and getting rid of the constant ache of wanting a father.  But I still find myself occasionally stalking his Flickr account or entering his name into Google to see what comes up.

Today, out of nowhere, I decided to try the latter (after perusing his Flickr, of course).  I ended up reading every Amazon.com review he has written, and the deep ache began to resurface.  It caused me to sit and long for his companionship, knowing how much we have turned out alike and how he could have taught me so many things about mutual interests.

It's hard to accept that it just isn't going to happen.  As with everything, I'm envying so many other fatherless situations (and also knowing they wouldn't really be any better, it's just in vain), wishing that I at least hadn't had such a wonderful time with him before we split or that I couldn't so easily keep tabs on his life now.

The internet is wonderful for many things, but aiding in getting over someone so meaningful to your life it is not.  It can answer many questions, but the question it can't answer is whether someone you cared about also still cares about you.  And it certainly doesn't make a father out of someone who chose to forego that responsibility long ago.

Getting to Know You...

Over the past few years, I've developed a love-hate relationship with the amount of personal information I want to shamelessly divulge to the anonymous Internet masses.  I tend to go back and forth on the reasons I wish to provide certain tidbits and hide others from my "friends" and random strangers.  Aside from the obvious, I generally don't want to be misrepresented by a few likes or dislikes as I've certainly made a face value judgement based on what a person lists as their favorite this or that.

I was thinking just now about what it is that makes me who I am.  If I were to write an actual descriptive "About Me" (I never really do), what would it need to include for others to get a true sense of who I am?

Would I need to list the genres of music and movies that I enjoy?  The artists and artworks I admire?  Would I need to include a brief history of the negative things that have happened in my life so the person would get a sense of why my psychological edges are rough?  Do I include personal victories over some of those demons?  Should I list the fact that I'm autistic or that I have seizures, a bad stomach?  What about a physical description, just in case my photos are unclear?  Should I include a rundown of my personal style and the things I find fashionable in that description?  Would it be best to describe my basic religious beliefs (and history) and my political leanings so that it never had to awkwardly come up in conversation?  What else?

This is what I think about each time I look at any profile, particularly my own: what image is this projecting?  But really, is it even remotely important?  Does anyone (besides me) look at it and care?

Probably not.

Ha!

Ode to Rainy Sunsets

It seems like we're all searching for something.  We're waiting for that sign to appear and let us know we're on the right path, or for a leader to step out of the forest and tell us exactly what our life is meant to contribute and how we should go about performing that purpose.  We read books and search others' experiences for some clue as to "where we should go from here."  We have this deep-seated desire to understand what we view as chaos and darkness, to fill some sort of hole in our souls, to have a happiness that is consistently elusive.

But what if the problem is that we're too busy searching?


Drizzling, overcast sunsets don't come along too often, but when they do, what if instead of contemplating all the ways we're failing at fulfilling our "true potential," we stopped and just looked at them for a while.  You might find yourself smiling at the sky, at shadows, at colors, at reflections, sounds...  Total beauty, total paradox.  And more importantly, you might find yourself feeling something more tangible than what you could ever hope to get from whatever sign you were waiting on, or whatever great quote you read in an ancient text.


Throw yourself full force into what's around you; stop daydreaming about what you hope might come or might be and look at what is.

Four and a Half Years Ago

Four and a half years ago, I was still in high school and had yet to be accepted into the college from which I recently graduated.  I had yet to be engaged to the man I would distance myself from a year or so later.  I had not yet met the man I am currently with, and had not met any of the friends I now could not imagine trading for the finest riches or secrets of the universe.  Newly 18, I was desperate to find my niche.

I had befriended a much older man through LiveJournal, and we were emailing each other regularly.  He became a sort of mentor, and I became a much needed conversation partner for him.  There was nothing sexual about it and we never wanted any sort of relationship with each other aside from simple friendship.  Believe me, though, I can understand why this situation might seem weird.

I found our old e-mails searching for registration information in my archives.  In one of the first, he had asked me a series of questions, and what follows are my answers.

AJP:
I have been spending some time thinking about some questions that really mean something.  I am still thinking about it.  It has been hard to summon up any reasonable focus lately.  I do wonder though about some things:

1.)  Are you a secret from those around you?
2.)  Do you feel like you don't belong where you are even though you may love it?
3.)  Do you consider yourself to be attractive?
4.)  When you close your eyes and picture yourself in a fancy restaurant wearing something classy... who do you see sitting across the table from you?  Anyone?
5.)  Are you prepared to move past all those people around you that don't have your drive?
6.)  Do you love from your heart or your mind?


My answers:

Oh, very nice questions!  You'll make me think...

1) I used to be more of a secret from those around me than I am now.  I like to think that I'm very blunt and open, but there are some things that many people don't realize about myself.  I don't know that you want me to go into them.  Mainly, my emotions and the way I view things and the things I think about.  Most of my friends consider me eccentric and funny...when asked they can't really describe me as much more than "Well, she's Kayley!"  But most don't know about my theories on the way things are or how I view religion.  They don't see the constant struggle that goes on in my head between dark emotions.  How do you communicate these things to friends who rely on you for a good laugh?  Why should you complicate a leisurely acquaintance with these problems?

2) I have always felt that I didn't quite fit in.  I mean, I understand that the majority of teenage kids have this feeling and they express it in different ways, whether that be by making themselves radically outcasted or by struggling to be like those around them (I did both as a confused tween/young teen before I realized how lovely it was to be myself -- not that I'm enlightened now or anything).  I do love it here with these friends and this place, but I feel that no one here understands me or even wants to try.  I always feel that my ideas on anything from creation to fashion doesn't even begin to belong here in the very southeastern tip of Kentucky.  Some people just know they're born for bigger things.  Some of them don't ever come close to that goal because they're happy and comfortable in a place that is ironically so uncomfortable.  I'm not quite sure yet which path I'll end up taking.

3) In spite of myself, I do find myself attractive.  I can't say I believe it all the time.  In fact, there's many days where I get up and feel like hiding.  A lot of the time I feel like ripping my skin off and pulling out my hair, to be blatantly honest.  Then there's others where I want to go places and stay out all day just so people can see how pretty I am.  I find myself staring at myself in mirrors sometimes.  It makes me feel a little sick, I don't like being that way.  But I still have to admit to doing it.

4) I'm sure I have pictured this in my head before, but I've never considered looking across the table at who is there (if anyone).  Now I feel strange answering it, because I don't want to just place someone there by habit (such as a boyfriend or best friend or mentor).  I would rather just glance and see a face.  So far, my mind won't let me.

5) I feel like college will do this for me.  Libby randomly speculated to me on MSN the other night that I didn't really want to go to EKU any more, so that obstacle is taken care of.  I feel that if I go to Centre, I'll be free of the ties that bind me here in Bell County.  This may or may not be true, but it's something hopeful to hold on to.  First, I have to get accepted, of course.

I'll admit to you something that I haven't admitted to myself until just now.  I am afraid that my boyfriend won't be as excited about me pursuing a professional career that may involve frequent traveling or a big move as I am.  I'm worried that he won't be interested in waiting anything out or moving out of his comfort zone.  Please don't preach to me about how boyfriends are relative, and I won't bother you with my "I love him, he's the one" speech because I have the feeling that you might roll your eyes.  I should be used to that by now.

6) What exactly do you consider the "heart" and the "mind?"  All things come from the mind, the heart is simply a muscle.

I post these maybe for myself alone, but I found them very interesting answers to be four and a half years old.  It's wild and weird and beautiful to experience life and the way that things work out.

Memory

There's nothing like a major life event to make you realize just how fleeting certain moments can be.

I graduate this Sunday and suddenly I want to bottle up every conversation and interaction I have with professors, supervisors, and friends I may never see again, as I'm afraid I'll never be able to recall them later.  Each tiny thing has become so special and important, and has even taken on a different atmosphere.  I feel somehow changed, but only slightly.

Odd.  Odd indeed.