I had befriended a much older man through LiveJournal, and we were emailing each other regularly. He became a sort of mentor, and I became a much needed conversation partner for him. There was nothing sexual about it and we never wanted any sort of relationship with each other aside from simple friendship. Believe me, though, I can understand why this situation might seem weird.
I found our old e-mails searching for registration information in my archives. In one of the first, he had asked me a series of questions, and what follows are my answers.
AJP:
I have been spending some time thinking about some questions that really mean something. I am still thinking about it. It has been hard to summon up any reasonable focus lately. I do wonder though about some things:
1.) Are you a secret from those around you?
2.) Do you feel like you don't belong where you are even though you may love it?
3.) Do you consider yourself to be attractive?
4.) When you close your eyes and picture yourself in a fancy restaurant wearing something classy... who do you see sitting across the table from you? Anyone?
5.) Are you prepared to move past all those people around you that don't have your drive?
6.) Do you love from your heart or your mind?
My answers:
Oh, very nice questions! You'll make me think...
1) I used to be more of a secret from those around me than I am now. I like to think that I'm very blunt and open, but there are some things that many people don't realize about myself. I don't know that you want me to go into them. Mainly, my emotions and the way I view things and the things I think about. Most of my friends consider me eccentric and funny...when asked they can't really describe me as much more than "Well, she's Kayley!" But most don't know about my theories on the way things are or how I view religion. They don't see the constant struggle that goes on in my head between dark emotions. How do you communicate these things to friends who rely on you for a good laugh? Why should you complicate a leisurely acquaintance with these problems?
2) I have always felt that I didn't quite fit in. I mean, I understand that the majority of teenage kids have this feeling and they express it in different ways, whether that be by making themselves radically outcasted or by struggling to be like those around them (I did both as a confused tween/young teen before I realized how lovely it was to be myself -- not that I'm enlightened now or anything). I do love it here with these friends and this place, but I feel that no one here understands me or even wants to try. I always feel that my ideas on anything from creation to fashion doesn't even begin to belong here in the very southeastern tip of Kentucky. Some people just know they're born for bigger things. Some of them don't ever come close to that goal because they're happy and comfortable in a place that is ironically so uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure yet which path I'll end up taking.
3) In spite of myself, I do find myself attractive. I can't say I believe it all the time. In fact, there's many days where I get up and feel like hiding. A lot of the time I feel like ripping my skin off and pulling out my hair, to be blatantly honest. Then there's others where I want to go places and stay out all day just so people can see how pretty I am. I find myself staring at myself in mirrors sometimes. It makes me feel a little sick, I don't like being that way. But I still have to admit to doing it.
4) I'm sure I have pictured this in my head before, but I've never considered looking across the table at who is there (if anyone). Now I feel strange answering it, because I don't want to just place someone there by habit (such as a boyfriend or best friend or mentor). I would rather just glance and see a face. So far, my mind won't let me.
5) I feel like college will do this for me. Libby randomly speculated to me on MSN the other night that I didn't really want to go to EKU any more, so that obstacle is taken care of. I feel that if I go to Centre, I'll be free of the ties that bind me here in Bell County. This may or may not be true, but it's something hopeful to hold on to. First, I have to get accepted, of course.
I'll admit to you something that I haven't admitted to myself until just now. I am afraid that my boyfriend won't be as excited about me pursuing a professional career that may involve frequent traveling or a big move as I am. I'm worried that he won't be interested in waiting anything out or moving out of his comfort zone. Please don't preach to me about how boyfriends are relative, and I won't bother you with my "I love him, he's the one" speech because I have the feeling that you might roll your eyes. I should be used to that by now.
6) What exactly do you consider the "heart" and the "mind?" All things come from the mind, the heart is simply a muscle.
I post these maybe for myself alone, but I found them very interesting answers to be four and a half years old. It's wild and weird and beautiful to experience life and the way that things work out.
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