Recycled Witticisms of a Commentator

Daddy's Girl to Daddy-less

2011-12-02T12:33:00.000-05:00

When I was a child, my preference was clearly for my father. When I visited him on the weekends and during the summer, it seemed like all we did was have fun together. We had interesting conversations, played video games and baseball, watched Star Trek, read books, took walks... Sure, there were moments when I probably felt like running away, but I was still his girl.

One year things suddenly began to change, and the years after that only brought more pain and guilt and shame and confusion. Everything climaxed when I decided around the age of 12 -- or rather, the decision was made for me by my dad and his wife -- to continue my life without him in it.

It's hard to get used to things like that, but I've seemed to manage alright. I've done my best to cope with my father passing me in a store, acting like I was a stranger, only to show up at my high school graduation uninvited to tell me he was very proud of me.

With the advances and popularity of online communities, though, I couldn't ignore it for long. Eventually I found him on Flickr through a comment he made on a picture of me taken by a friend. For months I obsessed over watching for his new photographs, and even asked to use a couple of them in my college reports. We added each other on Facebook. I have to admit, I had high hopes.

Hopes that ended up being too high. When I sent him messages about the photographs, there was no enthusiasm in them, only bland words. When he commented on my statuses, he acted as though we were old high school buddies, not biologically entwined. Finally it was too much, and I sent him a final long message telling him I had done my best, after which I blocked him.

I had all intentions of truly erasing him from my life, and getting rid of the constant ache of wanting a father. But I still find myself occasionally stalking his Flickr account or entering his name into Google to see what comes up.

Today, out of nowhere, I decided to try the latter (after perusing his Flickr, of course). I ended up reading every Amazon.com review he has written, and the deep ache began to resurface. It caused me to sit and long for his companionship, knowing how much we have turned out alike and how he could have taught me so many things about mutual interests.

It's hard to accept that it just isn't going to happen. As with everything, I'm envying so many other fatherless situations (and also knowing they wouldn't really be any better, it's just in vain), wishing that I at least hadn't had such a wonderful time with him before we split or that I couldn't so easily keep tabs on his life now.

The internet is wonderful for many things, but aiding in getting over someone so meaningful to your life it is not. It can answer many questions, but the question it can't answer is whether someone you cared about also still cares about you. And it certainly doesn't make a father out of someone who chose to forego that responsibility long ago.

Getting to Know You...

2010-12-16T23:24:00.001-05:00

Over the past few years, I've developed a love-hate relationship with the amount of personal information I want to shamelessly divulge to the anonymous Internet masses. I tend to go back and forth on the reasons I wish to provide certain tidbits and hide others from my "friends" and random strangers. Aside from the obvious, I generally don't want to be misrepresented by a few likes or dislikes as I've certainly made a face value judgement based on what a person lists as their favorite this or that.

I was thinking just now about what it is that makes me who I am. If I were to write an actual descriptive "About Me" (I never really do), what would it need to include for others to get a true sense of who I am?

Would I need to list the genres of music and movies that I enjoy? The artists and artworks I admire? Would I need to include a brief history of the negative things that have happened in my life so the person would get a sense of why my psychological edges are rough? Do I include personal victories over some of those demons? Should I list the fact that I'm autistic or that I have seizures, a bad stomach? What about a physical description, just in case my photos are unclear? Should I include a rundown of my personal style and the things I find fashionable in that description? Would it be best to describe my basic religious beliefs (and history) and my political leanings so that it never had to awkwardly come up in conversation? What else?

This is what I think about each time I look at any profile, particularly my own: what image is this projecting? But really, is it even remotely important? Does anyone (besides me) look at it and care?

Probably not.

Ha!

Ode to Rainy Sunsets

2010-08-14T20:58:00.001-04:00

It seems like we're all searching for something. We're waiting for that sign to appear and let us know we're on the right path, or for a leader to step out of the forest and tell us exactly what our life is meant to contribute and how we should go about performing that purpose. We read books and search others' experiences for some clue as to "where we should go from here." We have this deep-seated desire to understand what we view as chaos and darkness, to fill some sort of hole in our souls, to have a happiness that is consistently elusive.

But what if the problem is that we're too busy searching?

Drizzling, overcast sunsets don't come along too often, but when they do, what if instead of contemplating all the ways we're failing at fulfilling our "true potential," we stopped and just looked at them for a while. You might find yourself smiling at the sky, at shadows, at colors, at reflections, sounds... Total beauty, total paradox. And more importantly, you might find yourself feeling something more tangible than what you could ever hope to get from whatever sign you were waiting on, or whatever great quote you read in an ancient text.

Throw yourself full force into what's around you; stop daydreaming about what you hope might come or might be and look at what is.

Four and a Half Years Ago

2010-06-26T19:32:00.001-04:00

Four and a half years ago, I was still in high school and had yet to be accepted into the college from which I recently graduated. I had yet to be engaged to the man I would distance myself from a year or so later. I had not yet met the man I am currently with, and had not met any of the friends I now could not imagine trading for the finest riches or secrets of the universe. Newly 18, I was desperate to find my niche.

I had befriended a much older man through LiveJournal, and we were emailing each other regularly. He became a sort of mentor, and I became a much needed conversation partner for him. There was nothing sexual about it and we never wanted any sort of relationship with each other aside from simple friendship. Believe me, though, I can understand why this situation might seem weird.

I found our old e-mails searching for registration information in my archives. In one of the first, he had asked me a series of questions, and what follows are my answers.

AJP:
I have been spending some time thinking about some questions that really mean something. I am still thinking about it. It has been hard to summon up any reasonable focus lately. I do wonder though about some things:

1.) Are you a secret from those around you?
2.) Do you feel like you don't belong where you are even though you may love it?
3.) Do you consider yourself to be attractive?
4.) When you close your eyes and picture yourself in a fancy restaurant wearing something classy... who do you see sitting across the table from you? Anyone?
5.) Are you prepared to move past all those people around you that don't have your drive?
6.) Do you love from your heart or your mind?

My answers:

Oh, very nice questions! You'll make me think...

1) I used to be more of a secret from those around me than I am now. I like to think that I'm very blunt and open, but there are some things that many people don't realize about myself. I don't know that you want me to go into them. Mainly, my emotions and the way I view things and the things I think about. Most of my friends consider me eccentric and funny...when asked they can't really describe me as much more than "Well, she's Kayley!" But most don't know about my theories on the way things are or how I view religion. They don't see the constant struggle that goes on in my head between dark emotions. How do you communicate these things to friends who rely on you for a good laugh? Why should you complicate a leisurely acquaintance with these problems?

2) I have always felt that I didn't quite fit in. I mean, I understand that the majority of teenage kids have this feeling and they express it in different ways, whether that be by making themselves radically outcasted or by struggling to be like those around them (I did both as a confused tween/young teen before I realized how lovely it was to be myself -- not that I'm enlightened now or anything). I do love it here with these friends and this place, but I feel that no one here understands me or even wants to try. I always feel that my ideas on anything from creation to fashion doesn't even begin to belong here in the very southeastern tip of Kentucky. Some people just know they're born for bigger things. Some of them don't ever come close to that goal because they're happy and comfortable in a place that is ironically so uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure yet which path I'll end up taking.

3) In spite of myself, I do find myself attractive. I can't say I believe it all the time. In fact, there's many days where I get up and feel like hiding. A lot of the time I feel like ripping my skin off and pulling out my hair, to be blatantly honest. Then there's others where I want to go places and stay out all day just so people can see how pretty I am. I find myself staring at myself in mirrors sometimes. It makes me feel a little sick, I don't like being that way. But I still have to admit to doing it.

4) I'm sure I have pictured this in my head before, but I've never considered looking across the table at who is there (if anyone). Now I feel strange answering it, because I don't want to just place someone there by habit (such as a boyfriend or best friend or mentor). I would rather just glance and see a face. So far, my mind won't let me.

5) I feel like college will do this for me. Libby randomly speculated to me on MSN the other night that I didn't really want to go to EKU any more, so that obstacle is taken care of. I feel that if I go to Centre, I'll be free of the ties that bind me here in Bell County. This may or may not be true, but it's something hopeful to hold on to. First, I have to get accepted, of course.

I'll admit to you something that I haven't admitted to myself until just now. I am afraid that my boyfriend won't be as excited about me pursuing a professional career that may involve frequent traveling or a big move as I am. I'm worried that he won't be interested in waiting anything out or moving out of his comfort zone. Please don't preach to me about how boyfriends are relative, and I won't bother you with my "I love him, he's the one" speech because I have the feeling that you might roll your eyes. I should be used to that by now.

6) What exactly do you consider the "heart" and the "mind?" All things come from the mind, the heart is simply a muscle.

I post these maybe for myself alone, but I found them very interesting answers to be four and a half years old. It's wild and weird and beautiful to experience life and the way that things work out.

Memory

2010-05-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

There's nothing like a major life event to make you realize just how fleeting certain moments can be.

I graduate this Sunday and suddenly I want to bottle up every conversation and interaction I have with professors, supervisors, and friends I may never see again, as I'm afraid I'll never be able to recall them later. Each tiny thing has become so special and important, and has even taken on a different atmosphere. I feel somehow changed, but only slightly.

Odd. Odd indeed.

Solutions to Status Anxiety

2010-05-06T16:21:00.000-04:00

Attempting to rid life of status anxiety does not mean removing yourself from the hierarchical structures that exist in society that cause the original anxiety; this seems to be an impossible task. Instead, it involves a long process of recognizing the root symptoms of the anxiety, and rather than temporarily medicating it, try to the best of your ability to remove the cause for those symptoms. The most important realization is learning that the playing field is level on the other side of the mirror, no matter what is reflected of the world on this side. Although the structure might create a way for modern society to stay organized, in the end, we are all made of the same and will disintegrate into the same components. If you know that you can take half-steps to a certain fixed point and reach it, but know that this is impossible in theory, then it becomes easier to understand the insignificance of a tiny physical difference or a lesser rank of status in comparison to the imponderable universe.

[Prompted by concluding Alain de Botton's Status Anxiety.]

Cancellation of the "Day of Prayer"

2010-04-15T10:56:00.000-04:00

This act by President Obama gives me mixed feelings.

First of all, I was never aware of said "Day of Prayer" in May despite my family's religious alignment, so anyone in my family who suddenly supports the day needs to recognize the fact that they never observed it in the first place. And really, why in the hell do you need a national holiday to remind you to pray?

I am also not currently a "Christian" proper.

Those things being said, I think this act was pretty impulsive and petty on the President's part. I fail to understand why he even took the time to do this when he obviously has so many other pressing issues on his plate that would make a greater difference to the lives of the American people. This isn't going to make much of a difference, it's only going to vainly annoy and agitate.

I do not believe that "prayer" is a bad thing, even if you are an atheist. By that I mean, why couldn't he have changed the name to "Day of Contemplation" instead? For a nation like ours, wouldn't such a day prove more fruitful anyway? It might have caused annoyance, too, but canceling the entire day seems a bit too...much.

We do, after all, have Memorial Day which we spend remembering our veterans. Why can't we - as a unified nation - spend a day in reflective thought? Wouldn't it bring us ALL closer together, nonreligious included?

Oh. Sorry, for a second there I waxed poetic about a nation that would actually enjoy being unified. Pardon me.

Shunning Negativity

2010-03-18T12:25:00.001-04:00

If your happiness is situational, then your happiness is destined to fail.

True Representation

2010-02-07T19:41:00.001-05:00

Here in America we might have a Republic, but we do not have a Democratic Republic. We have become accustomed to voting in politicians who we believe are qualified to make good decisions rather than politicians who will make good decisions based on public voice. Politicians give charismatic speeches that inspire opinions they already have rather than being inspired by those they're representing. Requests to make helpful changes in communities are often met with a smile and a word of encouragement from elected officials rather than political action.

True representation of a people requires more than simple acknowledgement. It requires the realization that the general public actually does have a good idea of what its necessities are (instead of being told what they are) and that they do have the foresight to make good decisions about their community. Pride and money seem to hold so many back from lending an ear and a hand.

Here is yet another quote from It Comes from the People:

[The Block Grant Campaign] showed how scared and upset elected officials can become when grass-roots groups try to practice democracy by trying to participate in decision making and planning for their own communities. ... Today many government officials seem afraid of community participation; officials are accustomed to "working for" communities, and they feel hurt and unappreciated when questioned by citizens. ... Politicians prefer passive and grateful voters. When a community group uses its power to convince the officials to make a particular decisions, the officials often feel "forced" or intimidated. They seem to believe that their decisions should not be "influenced," should be neutral rather than based on the requests of their constituents.

- Hinsdale, Lewis, and Waller

Excerpt on Marginality

2010-02-07T17:36:00.000-05:00

People in marginal situations keep a chip on their shoulders; they expect to be mistreated and often come out fighting. Because they may not be able to find or fight the oppressor, their anger is turned inward, on themselves or within the community. They find they are fighting each other or people who might be allies.

- It Comes from the People; Hinsdale, Lewis, and Waller

ENFJ?

2010-02-05T12:01:00.002-05:00

I just took a Myers-Briggs test and got the result of "ENFJ." Both the E and J barely won with only 1% strength for each. For those unfamiliar with the test, this means I'm Extrovert-iNtuitive-Feeling-Judging.

I've always been an I (Introvert) with the J and P (Perceiving) fighting for placement every time I took the test, meaning I was either a "Counselor" or a "Healer." I was shocked to actually get an E, although I kind of became aware of a slightly different trend while I was answering the questions.

Have I changed?

I think I have, but certainly for the best, especially since one of the suggested careers for ENFJ was social work. I am apparently an Idealist Teacher. Here is a good rundown of the ENFJ portrait: Personality Page.com.

When I was little I was extremely extroverted. I sang on restaurant tables and greeted strangers like they were family. In church I was a virtual social butterfly! I've been working a long time to try and win that little kid back from inside the shell it was put into to, and it seems I've made some serious progress.

Warp Speed Ahead

2010-02-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

It figures that after writing that last entry defending Republicans against so much criticism, they would go and do something utterly stupid. I didn't get to watch the State of the Union or the following Republican Response, but my boyfriend told me about it.

I cannot understand why this country is so very determined to segregate itself into factions.

In other personal news, I just got back on American soil last Tuesday after staying in Bali for almost three weeks. Now I'm trying my best to prepare for my last semester of college. I can't decide whether I'm looking forward to it or dreading it. I'll be spending almost all of my time painting as much as possible and writing an intense sociology seminar paper (with a little Christology & Images of Jesus on the side). I've got a great schedule, at least, which leaves my MWF completely free (minus a possible studio art meeting on Monday afternoons).

Anyway, here's to my last few months as an undergrad! Hope your next few months are good as well.

Equal Representation

2009-12-24T17:23:00.001-05:00

I think people underestimate the power of media. I know it's a serious cliché to even think that, but really, it's pretty sad that the entire country's majority feelings can be changed depending on what we're shown and how it's presented to us.

In writing this, I am in no way defending any political party or candidate. I am notoriously hateful towards all of it.

However, I think it's disgusting that the outcome of an election can be determined by the candidate that the channels decide to cover. If you use something as simple as Google Trends to track the media coverage and public interest of several presidential nominees for the past election, a decrease in the latter always follows a sharp decrease in the former, almost never the other way around.

The thing that's currently bothering me is the immense hatred of Republicans. I don't believe in most things they represent and I do have to admit that their political pundits enrage me just as much as the next person. But seriously, why does this give anyone the right to decide they're so much better and that this entire side is obsolete? It's horrible. Have we forgotten our past crusades?

I guess I really don't understand when it became alright to bash an entire group of people just because someone became the majority in the government. Or when it became okay to discredit another's opinion simply because of their affiliation. When I took government in school, I was taught about this whole checks and balances system that was supposedly put into place so that no one could do things like that. I've known that our government wasn't exactly swell for a number of years, but good god, for a little while there I actually thought my whole rebellious stint in high school was caused entirely by teenage angst not backed up by reality.

I read an article about Jon Stewart and how he enforced the checks and balances system and how he caused people to observe it, but all I've ever seen him do is further the hatred of Republicans and the exaltation of liberalism. How is that helping equality? He's just a beloved media beacon of the left wing in the same way the so-hated pundits are a beacon for the right.

I actually try my best not to watch too much television and don't even enjoy it all that much, but being on break from a stressful semester along with months of being sick has caused me to enjoy a lot of cathartic hours of good 'ole boob-tube. I saw what I guess could be called a PSA on the USA network which seemed to be about equality (I can't remember the exact purpose of the commercial). Actors from TV shows were stating identifying social characteristics such as, "I'm an olive-skinned dude," and "I'm a Jew...if you couldn't tell." Many walks of life were represented giving what seemed like a "total" perspective of a cosm of American society. However, only two political statements were given: "I come from a red state," and "I'm a Democrat." No one said, "I'm a Republican."

Again, I don't support the Republicans. But I don't support the Democrats either. And I seriously don't support the fact that the media continues to put a schism in our already broken country.

I hate the fact that all anyone cares about any more is being right and proving their stereotype. There are sociological studies about how the media can shape the way someone feels about themselves. If the media continually portrays them a certain way, they'll feel a responsibility to act out that role regardless if that's how they are or not. Democrats and Republicans now have a media-enforced role to fill, and unfortunately for the latter, the former is shown on top when really, neither are all that great.

More than this, I hate that I'm constantly proven right.

Have a great time when you're serving a fascist country in a few years, Americans, maybe you'll wish you'd done something to unify yourselves instead of pushing each other further away.

Perception of Weakness

2009-12-02T11:55:00.001-05:00

While those who know me best recognize my admiration and determination for a good argument (I've been told I should be going to law school way too many times), I do try to pick my battles. Religious debate, for example, is something I can almost never turn down. And although I'm sure that my boyfriend would add to this "nitpicking-cranky-sparring-matches-in-which-I'm-always-right-no-matter-what," let's just leave that out for the time being. :)

Anyway, there are certain things I tend to avoid. After all, there is a lot I do not know (imagine that; please don't tell my boyfriend I said that), so if a conversation or debate is headed into unfamiliar waters, I usually will not participate. There is also a lot that gets way too intense, too quickly, particularly within modern era American politics (although I suppose the same could be said of religion, but hey, it excites me). I generally find politics to be petty and superficial, almost like a façade for issues that should be more important than who is doing what or is on what side as though Washington, DC has its own E! show.

There are occasions, however, where I do find myself stepping in to stay a thing or two (imagine that). This passion for certain issues dramatically increased after taking Dr. Rick Axtell's Religion and Violence course. While digesting the (often interrelated) histories and current events of various troubled countries throughout the world, we simultaneously learned about how a "just war" should meet certain criteria (that it literally almost never meets) and peacemaking strategies that could easily be implemented (and by that I mean, WORK) if we were to pack up our ego.

When I saw that Obama was sending more troops into Afghanistan (followed up by the constant drone of "but we're going to withdraw!...sometime"), I was more than disappointed. It was not because it gave me "another reason to hate Obama," I'm not that type of person, but more because it just seemed inherently wrong and crudely deceptive. America (and the President) are only living up to their past traditions of biting the bullet because apologizing or simply stopping a failed operation might make us seem like the weak guys. In reality, it just makes us look more like a group of schoolyard bullies, bumbling about the globe yelling "FREEDOM!" and making all our wars appear just without taking any real steps towards actual peacemaking (or justice for that matter).

Wow, rant.

Anyway, this is why I'm not a political writer and why I don't get involved in arguments. I rant more than I give anything productive (even though I have the ability to do it) because I get far too heated just like everyone else. That's where Bob Herbert comes into play. Sheldon Tapley, my studio art professor, posted an opinion piece from the New York Times on his Facebook and it framed my thoughts concerning the issue at hand perfectly.

Check it out, I'd recommend it to anyone for at least perusing whether you agree with his sentiments or not. It's quite well written, in my opinion.

A Tragic Mistake

The Odd Air of Forgiveness

2009-11-29T19:55:00.001-05:00

When someone does something to you that isn't exactly fantastic, people often tell you not to hold a grudge and to forgive, but this becomes complicated when the thing being done tarnishes you psychologically and/or is done to you by those you have loved with your entire being. In that moment (and for many moments thereafter for that matter) you feel like there's no way you could ever forgive that person, because all you can feel when you think about them or the situation is a tsunami's worth of negative emotions.

For me, there are several things in my life that cause this response. I either repress the memory of the strife or look at the person that caused me anguish with absolute negativity. I wish it weren't this way, I really do. But it's one thing to tell yourself to get over something (or even to tell yourself that you have gotten over it) and another to actually do the deed. While I'm sure there are gurus and priests and all sorts of spiritual or compassionate people who can do it by simply putting their minds to it, I and pretty much everyone else have just not reached that level (at least not yet).

So in that case, true forgiveness takes time. Lots and lots and lots of time. I suppose in that way, it's a lot like a grieving process. There are surely stages to it, maybe patterned stages, although I'm not going to try and posit any, and in the end, the forgiver (hopefully) realizes that something truly bittersweet has happened to them.

The reason I write this is due to the same reason I write most of these entries: personal experience.

Recently, I was faced with a tough situation, one that dug up a lot of hard feelings from my past that I've not been able to get through up to this point. It was random and private, and for once, I didn't quickly respond with all those same negative feelings. For once, I responded with an intense longing for a magical bridge across the oceans-wide fissure that had been created from this horrible conflict. I wrestled with it in the back of my mind for almost a week. Some of those same negative feelings bubbled to the surface, but as they did, they quickly faded back into the longing for repair, for understanding, for forgiveness. I spent more and more time recognizing the ways in which I had loved this person and how we were the same and not at all different. Tonight, as I again privately revisited the situation that brought all of this up, I found myself arriving at a place of understanding. It "fell into my lap" as swiftly and simply as though a letter had literally dropped out of the air and the answer to the perfect point of perception had been written there in a single sentence. I was relieved. And the person was forgiven.

This isn't to say that everyone involved has been given this same clearance; this past conflict that has caused me such deep-seated hurt over the years was extremely complicated to say the least. But arguably the more important person (to me in particular) has been forgiven, and that is definitely something.

I wish you all the great fortune of being able to forgive those who have caused you suffering on all of your separate (and yet connected) journeys.

Childhood

2009-11-24T00:38:00.002-05:00

I've recently realized that a number of people who have gone down a path in life that has lead them somewhere they are content (or at least feel as though it "fits") had foreshadowing for that placement in their childhood. These signals took the form of quirks in personality or odd activities that they obsessed over or enjoyed.

Why do I care about this at all? I've been having a bit of a spiritual struggle lately, I guess you could say. I'm unsure about life ahead and what my path might be and how to approach my life at all, etc. One could call it a common symptom of senioritis, but for me it's been uncharacteristically hermetic, only without any sort of fruition. So I've been keenly aware of anything that could give me a clue to my journey because I really just can't seem to take the advice, "Let it go, let things be, let everything flow."

I began to look at my own childhood and was amused by all these weird little things I used to do and be and enjoy. At first it was just as much of a confusing mix as the plate in front of me now (with much the same leanings, really). Then suddenly, it broke through and it seemed clear. I cried large tears that I've only experienced in deep anguish and in meditation. My path, if my thoughts are at all correct (and I don't see why I would have such a heartfelt reaction if they weren't at least close), is a hard one but it "fits."

Now, perhaps this is my interpretation for this current moment. If I were to look at my childhood again in a decade, maybe I could pull a different interpretation out of it. But the important thing is that right now it means something that makes sense and gives me a good solid answer, even if it isn't the one with which I'm most comfortable.

The reasons for this occurrence to me seem to be related to the innocence and purity of a child's mind in relation to the world around them. Even while experiencing things that still haunt me to this today, I never chose to sit and think about it. I don't remember thinking in the proper sense, I just remember enjoying the world around me, observing things ALWAYS, questioning people, and simply doing. I didn't need to know why I did this or why this certain thing happened, it just was and did; I accepted myself in my place in the world. The only time this changed was when I questioned others about the world in general or why they felt a certain way that lacked significance to me in the larger scheme of things.

I say this not to brag on myself, but because I think this is relevant to each child in an individual way. Childhood is a time of meditation, I suppose, without even being conscious of the meditation. And if this is true, it makes sense for this state to be connected with the ebb and flow of the universe...to simply understand the path ahead without bias or reason.

I'm also not saying that certain events throughout one's lifetime can't affect the outcome of a journey, it's all meaningful. But I really don't think it's entirely crazy to believe that everyone is born with a specific goal in mind for their life.

Law of Conservation of Good and Evil

2009-11-05T18:07:00.006-05:00

Since theories exist stating that matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed (only converted/transferred), to me this logically means they can also apply to good and evil.

Even in Christianity's creation and destruction mythos this is true. God never officially creates good or evil, both happen in their own time with no reference to their origins. And after the apocalypse, neither die out, but live through their separate fates eternally.

Like heat, negativity spreads from one to another. Both sociology and psychology support the idea of family cycles that transfer from the actions of the intermediate family (particularly the parents) to the child to live in his or her own life. They both support the idea of negativity (or negative occurrences) affecting someone for the rest of their lives. And the same could be said of good, of course.

Maybe it's true that if you start looking for things (consciously or subconsciously) you'll start to find them. But perhaps it's because they're all really there (or that nothing at all is there)?

Societal Flaw

2009-10-07T11:49:00.000-04:00

I wonder how many people are living only to sleep?

Body Modification

2009-10-07T00:37:00.000-04:00

The assigned reading for my archaeology class tomorrow is by Pamela L. Geller, titled Altering Identities: Body Modifications and the Pre-Columbian Maya. Since I am a fan of body modification (and have a few types of it, myself) and enjoy making parallels between ancient societies and present day, the essay proved to be quite interesting.

Prior to going into her personal archaeological-based findings on dental modification in the Pre-Columbian Maya, she discussed at length the present state of body modification in our own society. While there was of course the short paragraph or two on "modern primitives" who modify their body in much the same way as ancient peoples have, the interesting point she makes is regarding plastic surgery. Many today have an ethnocentric (Eurocentric, to be more specific) view of these symbolic/ritual modifications that generally involve some degree of pain. After studying the modification processes of many different communities, ancient and contemporary, one can find that many do it not only to prove themselves through a rite of passage, but also to recreate themselves in an ideal image constructed by their particular society. It makes them more appealing all around. Those who seek out plastic surgery generally seem to want it for the same reasons, and a great deal of pain and danger are even involved (and no, I am not saying that every single person ever adheres to this; no one can really say that about anything). The only difference is that our society seems to have mixed feelings towards the practice of plastic surgery, and everyone does not uphold it. Of course, we have no idea whether or not everyone in the ancient world of the Maya upheld dental modifications (about half of them seem to be unmodified), so perhaps the parallel is still strong.

Another thing the article made me think about is the idea of a "trend," particularly a trend starting in the counterculture. I pose the question, is it possible that once something like body modification becomes a trend it loses at least some of its symbolic value to the counterculture that was identifying with it?

I give my own (slightly embarrassing in the retelling) story as an example. My lobes are stretched to double-zero gauge (10 mm, or 1 cm for those who aren't used to the metric system), and were not done out of a necessity to want to fit in with a larger societal trend. I can't disagree that I admired a certain type of counterculture that bore stretched lobes as one of their many "symbols," but the main distinction for me here is counterculture. I had a desire to modify, to change my ear structure for aesthetics and to symbolically separate myself. After wanting to have large lobes for years and researching a bit on those who have/have had them, I went through the long, hard, painful process of stretching them from a regular piercing size (about 1 mm - piercings I have had since I was 2 months old!). Here is a chart I found on a random Google Images search that isn't perfect for actual size references (the higher numbers seem kind of large, and my 00 plug is a little bigger than the 00 gauge), but it's close.

(clickable image; this is a smaller version)

I happily achieved my desired goal (although the desire to go larger is very strong and extremely hard to combat). But over time, I suddenly started to notice the appearance of more and more stretchings in the crowds around me. I realized that I was looking at many of these people with elitist disdain (I know, I hate saying that) rather than with a sense of communal bonding which would be expected. I suppose I felt - still feel! - that these people did not "deserve" to have them. It has made me understand that I did this not only for reasons stated above, but also because it was very personal (my own rite of passage).

I apologize for the rambling, but to me it is a way to see how permanent body modifications can give insight into the way they are shaping the identities of those taking part in the process. This is also Geller's argument both with contemporaneous examples and with her own work in prehistoric Maya society.

And the last question that came to mind after reading: Do you think humans have an innate impulse to modify themselves in response to the society around them?

Anyway, I highly recommend this essay by Geller. I loved reading it and got something out of it other than the (hopeful) required class understanding of the material. Besides, body modification is awesome!

End Times and Basic Chemistry

2009-10-02T18:24:00.002-04:00

I was uncertain as to whether or not I actually wanted to post this blog entry, but then I realized that maybe it could give insight into the way I think (like you really cared). Those of you on the same wavelength will understand, and for those who don't, I suppose I apologize.

Entropy is the tendency to move towards chaos, the gradual decline into disorder. The second law of thermodynamics states (very simplified) that the total entropy of the universe is constantly increasing.

Would you like to take a look around you for a second, read the news, check out some technology? I'll wait.

Alright, my belief is that the universe is made of an infinitely complex pattern of circles and spirals. Yin and yang, spiraling together, cyclicality creating life and destroying it. Everything that is happening has happened before but with different situations, time periods, and people (and perhaps also in the way that many physicists and philosophers have speculated, why not?). The phrase "history repeats itself" is not foreign to any of us.

While I do realize I'm fixing to reference a song lyric, I regard the band who wrote the lyrics as incredibly intellectual, or at least in tune to this wavelength. From the TOOL song, Lateralus: "Ride the spiral to the end, we may just go where no one's been. Spiral out, keep going." We each ride not only the spiral of each of our lives (and others), of the world and each component in it, of our galaxy and each component in that, but also of the universe as we know it in its entirety. We all hope that this time it will be different in our own life, that there will be something else at the end, that we might do something those before us haven't done, but at the basic level nothing is new. Yet we still tend to ride it to the "end," hoping we'll go we're no one's been because no one has been to the end before to tell us about it!

But the main part of this lyric that catches my attention is the latter half. Spiral out. Out toward supposed entropy.

If we draw a perfect spiral on a sheet of paper, it's not going to be long before we need another couple of sheets to continue drawing the spiral, and exponentially more as it gets even larger. It would be hard to find the center of this spiral even though you're traveling it as you draw it larger and larger, even hard to find the lines next to the one you're currently following. There would be so many sheets of paper that you would probably forget you were drawing a spiral and start feeling disoriented. Entropy, but false entropy created by a complexity (that is actually pretty simple, just too large to see it, and this is key).

To feel this sense of entropy, of losing yourself, find a swing, close your eyes, and try to stay perfectly straight without holding onto the ropes (no feet on the ground). After wiggling back and forth for a little bit, you'll eventually feel like you're taking a nose dive, but should find that when you open your eyes you haven't moved.

To bring it full circle (haha), most religions have an idea of an increased worsening over time, often with the final era being the time before all is redeemed and returned to the original pristine state (though not always, sometimes it's just the end). In generalized Hinduism, the time of the universe is divided into four ages ("yuga"): Satyayuga ("Truth Age"), Tretayuga, Dvaparayuga, and Kaliyuga ("Dark Age"). Time began in perfect harmony with the world and deities, and slowly over time people began to slip away and become more immoral. We are currently believed to be in Kaliyuga, the darkest age and the farthest away from the gods before time begins again with Satyayuga. We have come from the center, complete harmony, and spiraled, out of control, into entropic darkness. Yet it was known all along that this would happen in just this way, right? Go ahead and compare it to something you might be more familiar with, like Christianity. The Garden of Eden --> Fall of Man --> worsening and worsening problem over time (again and again, I might add, though by our standards it has gotten worse each time the cycle "repeats") --> end of days!

Anyway, I could ramble forever. I already tried to edit this and just ended up adding more, so I'm going to stop. Let's save string theory for another day. :) But now maybe you understand how my mind makes connections during chemistry class, even if it doesn't make complete sense to you, haha. So the next time I jump to something crazy, just flow with me.

P.S.: While I was writing this, I downloaded an album. In the file folder there was an executable UNIX file titled "entropy." As far as I can tell, the title had nothing to do with the album.

"This is Unclear"

2009-09-28T11:57:00.004-04:00

I am apparently an ambiguous person when it comes to stating what I'm thinking. For some reason, it's very hard for me to convey my thoughts correctly, or in a way that will make others understand them. I can't tell you the number of times I've received the paper critique comment "this part is unclear." It's my biggest downfall when writing pretty much anything. I've probably already done it with this blog.

It's ironic now to think that I've been so skeptical of every little theory that comes down the pipe, but I expect my ridiculous thoughts to be taken on my twisted logic alone without any sort of academic/tangible evidence to back them up. I'm such a hypocrite, haha!

Oh well, I'm not going to quell my imagination, it's far too much fun to believe that you've come up with the theory for everything on any given day. But I guess I should invest more in others' imaginations. I'm way too critical.

And I should seriously stop rambling and start trying to make sense (although David Byrne would never agree)! The next time I have a fantastic idea about how Osiris represents the dead pharaoh and Ré represents the new pharaoh based on anthropological theories, I should probably stop and take a breath.

The One

2009-09-27T15:15:00.005-04:00

Everyone is always asking how they will know when they've found the "right" person. Generally, the answer has to do with a vague, "You'll just know!," but what if there is a certain pattern underlying this attachment? I've heard all sorts of biological and sociological theories that sound quite convincing and logical, and I do believe a lot of them. But that's still not necessarily my style, I like dreaming in whimsical hypotheses. :)

Last night Jordan and I were standing out on the porch discussing my upcoming painting projects. I suddenly realized the key to "knowing."

I was bouncing my favorite ideas (the one I'm definitely going to pursue this time around) off of him, and while he liked it, he also gave me the most amazing concept to try after this next study. I don't know if I can convey what this suggestion could do for me if executed correctly. It was such a beautiful visualization and air of understanding that I felt like crying a little, haha.

I finally appreciated that the reason I got onto this theme at all is due to Jordan. His independent interests piqued my own, and helped to bring out what was aching to be expressed right beneath the surface. If it were not for him, chances are that I would be trying to paint something incredibly cheesy. Not that I am totally reliant on him (or vice versa), but he has helped me to grow into the person I've always wanted to be, and I have done the same for him.

I'm not quite sure how to sum it up tightly. Insightful mutual guidance? Imagine the plots played out on film where there is a path or labyrinth meant for two people, and these two have something the other needs to complete the journey otherwise it's far more difficult and less fulfilling (possibly even disastrous). The essential essence the other brings to the situation doesn't even have to be something spoken or tangible, but it's still necessary to those circumstances. Yin and yang, working parts of the same whole.

I know that I am at least not alone in this vein. I have heard painters say that they have never created a painting without help and advice from their partner. I have heard folkloric tales about a great answer coming after getting simple counsel from a spouse. Big decisions in careers are talked over with significant others.

To put it even more simply, the one you are with should make you a better person just by being around.

Compensation

2009-09-24T00:07:00.003-04:00

For once, I was in an aisle in the make-up section of Wal-Mart. I happened to notice a little boy of around five who was throwing something up in the air and catching it distractedly while his mother talked to him (also distractedly, as she was picking out the best shade for her skin tone, I suppose).

I paused for a moment in the next aisle, and after not finding what I needed, went on to the third. There again was the mother and child, but neither had seemed to notice me yet. As I searched, I overheard the mother asking the boy if a certain shade of nail polish was "right" for her. The boy actually gave her feedback, although I don't remember his exact words.

The sociological stereotyper in me found this funny as much as I tried to fight it, and as much as I knew there was really nothing wrong with the picture. I was surprised that a male child of such a young age would bother to give his mother feedback on something like nail polish. I couldn't help but wonder if "shopping trips with mom" in this fashion would cause him to grow up more feminine than if he had gone "tool shopping with dad" (assuming there is a father in the picture, of course).

However, as I moved further down and the two began to leave, the boy noticed me for the first time and stopped almost mid-sentence about the nail polish. He was awkwardly quiet until they were almost out of the aisle, when he very abruptly changed the subject by asking his mom loudly, "You know I played basketball at school today?"

I think I got my answer.

Shall I Chance It?

2009-09-22T10:56:00.005-04:00

I'm not one to take certain kinds of chances easily. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Why would I risk putting myself on the line when there is a possibility for failure in the imminent future?

But doesn't that same threat apply to daily life?

According to this logic, why should I get out of bed and put on clothes to face the world outside? Why should I even bother to attend classes, do the homework, take tests, or write papers? Why should I talk to anyone or go through the strenuous effort of maintaining a serious lasting relationship? Why should I even consider a future ahead of me that is anything but dismal?

I could meet with any manner of disaster daily. Rejection, disappointment, insufficiency, etc., etc. Even death! Yet, even though this "terrifying" prospect of basic day-to-day living now seems greater than taking advantage of any fresh opportunity that could present itself to me, I still hesitate. I reconsider sending in that application, and cringe at the thought of it until I hear a response if I do submit. I have second thoughts about going to that meeting where I might not know anyone personally, and will often skip it entirely to my own later dismay. I keep the question or comment to myself in class, even though at first I think it might be relevant.

Why is it easier to deal with larger uncertainty than a microcosm of it?

If I can chance total failure and rejection daily in front of everyone, then why the hell can't I just let go, step out of my safety zone, and try something for myself? Thinking that my sense of self is too fragile for me is only an illusion, especially considering that it's obviously not too fragile for my unforgiving society. I don't want to be known as the general who wins great wars but not small battles. It just doesn't make sense.

Therefore, I'm going to try and stop it. If I can deal with modern life, I can deal with silly chances that present themselves and grasp within them the possibility of a greater, more enriched life rather than the likelihood of catastrophe.

"Sorry, Wrong Number!" Text Message

2009-09-21T19:52:00.009-04:00

Everyone hates to get the phone call from someone random looking for a Myrtle or Jim that you never knew existed. Usually it's an elderly woman that you can barely understand, or a guy who is pissed at you for the fact that he's dialed your number instead of his buddy's three times in a row.

But what about a text message of the same caliber?

This evening I got a text message from a number that was not saved in my phone (not that this fact in itself is surprising). The text read, verbatim: "Hey ambie its jjohnnie cum up to the school if u can lol im already here early my neighbor dropped me off or i coulsnt cum to gymnastics"

WHAT.

So I sent an admittedly over-the-top persnickety message in return: "Well that's very interesting, Johnnie, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass considering my name is not 'Ambie' and the last thing I want to be is in high school again."

The reply: "I am very sorry wrong #"

Is it just me, or was there a noticeable tone change between the first and second messages?

Anyway, the thing I realized in this ridiculous endeavor is that "wrong number text messages" are way more fun than "wrong number phone calls." For some reason, at least on my part, I feel more inclined to respond freely rather than politely. While those who call you generally know you about as well as someone who texts you, you don't have to hear a voice through a text and they don't hear yours. It's not so personal, and it leaves room for mischievous amusement that is less stressful. It's also easier to back out if the amusement turns sour, as ignoring a text message seems more undemanding than arguing with someone verbally which could lead to hanging up on them.

Is this the "prank call" of the future?? :)

It also made me realize that the war I'm going to have wage with my children later in life isn't "Eat your vegetables," but "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WRITE OUT YOUR WORDS."